Weddings and Marriages

Hope all is well? I generally dont give advice on relationships, but today i need to profer my opinion. It is just  that, my opinion. We are often too fixated on weddings to understand that marriage  within itself is a challenge. This post will likely be very long, so brace yourself.

First as little girls, we have watched all the cinderella and disney movies that tell us we deserve  princes that are rich and will swoon over us. While we all deserve these things, fact is that the people who ought  to give them to us are imperfect, so sometimes the swooning might be a TFC meal as opposed to a trip to the intercontinental  or Burj al Arab.

Next we have fantasies  about how our  courtship  is supposed  to go. Fuss free, guy falls at or feet does no wrong irrespective of what our  imperfect self does. Well newsflash he is also imperfect, so he cant read your mind and might not be able to afford that trip to fantasy land you believe you deserve, but he is willing  to stand by your side and try to make you happy within the best of  his abilities.

Next comes the proposal. Swoon some more,  your ring should be dropped by helicopter and he should come down from a private jet and get down  on two knees and propose with a 1000 carat pink diamond  ring with canary diamonds surrounding the ring. Hell you don’t  know the difference  between citrine and canary diamonds , but canary diamonds are the only acceptable surrounding  stones. There should be an entire film crew filming the arrival of the helicopter and private jet with the ring, there should also be a choir  filled with elves  and all your friends  to witness the event and tag it on instagram  as the maddest proposal ever giveth.

After this, family introduction. Turn down for what, give your friends n10k gele aso ebi for you introduction. Make sure your dad rents the canopy and mobile toilets for your compound – multiple catererer, champagne  on deck etc.

Now its official parents have consented, you might as well start  taking your engagement  pictures. You have this idea, to be suspended from the top of a 20 story building fully dressed in heels and all. Photog posts on instagram  after charging you an exorbitant  amount. Or better yet you and your man can dress as mermaids and do an underwater shoot even if you cant swim.

Now after all that,  your friends better realise that you are awesomely special. So the bridal shower to all the seven wonders of the world should be planned. Why because you deserve the best. So as usual they should willingly cobtribute their 1 years salary to make sure your bridal shower is all that and on fleek- whatever that means. And any friend that says she cant afford it isnt really your friend, because how dare her be unable to come up with the money for  your last blow out as a single girl. And when they  dont  show up, write a letter  univiting them frim the wedding.

Now after the shower has been done or during that planning, make sure you have booked the great room at the intercontinental  hotel for a pre weddig dinner for her and hubstars friends. Dress code – masked ball new orleans party. Even though we are in Nigeria. Complete with sushi and all the other  mede mede.

Traditional wedding, book the whole mavin crew, Lynxx and crew etc. Then make sure you pay the planner n2million for just coordinating the event. Also make sure you get that aso ebi specially made- one in town. Charge your friends n50k each and if they dont buy the aso ebi, they cannot enter your venues. The cake has to be you kneeling down to feed your husband in LV iro and buba on gucci suitcases. Then oh yes you must have one of the baddest djs. Champagne popping, custom cigars for the boys dem, cute souvernirs for the aso ebi gals them only.

After all this, ghen ghen the white wedding with 3 dress changes. You paid $8000 for the first vera wang dress, $5000 for the versace and $3000 for the last zuhair murad. The shoes? OMG – loubs, choos, gucci. What… not to be left out, you hired your make up artist for n350k for the entire day. Ha Tiwa Sawage and Olamide badoo have to totally be there.  If you want to be exclusive, you go to Abi Dhabi or Zanzibar and make all these people fly out there to make your day. You also set your bridesmaids  dresses at $500 each and they must wear loubs. Hire a photographer for n1m for the day- make sure you sign the release for so the photog can put you on instagram- you fleeked out. Then you must have the picture banner, incase the people attending your wedding werent sure what you looked like. And oh my gosh the fish pond suspended cake with flying fish.

You get the gist  of the comedy i posted above. Folks trying to top and be over the top. Forgetting that na just wedding. Realitly sets in after you marry dude and you realise he drinks only coffee everyday and leaves his mug around he house. He leaves toothpaste marks in the sink, skid marks in the toilet.  He also expects you to cook, and he believes you are overly materialistic and you need to cut back, because he is still payig for the 1000 carat ring you made him buy. Deep down he thinks your dad is a jerk because he agreed to pay for all your 3 wedding dresses, and you think his mom is a cheap skate because she didn’t  agree to pay for hor o’deurves for the trad and opted for small chops instead. You also learnt your husband farts in his sleep and picks his nose when he thinks you arent watching.

Some things i have stated above are marriage realities – not bad marriages. So talkless of the guy that becomes abusive or the woman that is provocative and wont stop talking? She incessantly  compares  her husband to her father etc.

Well everyone wants to be cinderella – its subjective  whether  any of us can ever be, too many women are missing the plot. We become so obsessed with planning for a day that if anything has negative consequences on our marriage. Let me explain. The size or perceived beauty of a wedding has never influenced a marriage  positively, if anything it leans to the negative, especially if the couple has expended part of their start off funds on the wedding. This can, and often breeds resentment, this misuse of resources.

Brides to be should spend a portion of their time working on themselves – build thick skin, you will  need it. Your spouse no matter how perfect will have an opinion on your family – some of it  wont sit well with you and vice versa. Develop even thicker skin because you will criticise each other, decisions will be made – you can either be submissive or fight  every decision. It depends on what is important  to you, being right or having peace.

Whether or not you marry in front of 5 people or 3000, it has little bearing on the quality of your marriage.  Learning  patience, the spirit of cooperation, submissiveness  (either by manipulation or straightforward ), and a desire to please your partner  (note i didnt say be a doormat) go a long way in marriage. God  is the most obvious factor of all…put him first and follow his words and you will sail relatively easily.

Please note the marriages to which i allude are the relatively healthy ones between two reasonable adults. Not the abusive ones.

I am guilty of a few of the wedding planning mistakes and it took going to the registry for a civil union to realise that all else was just a party and we were already married. Any turn of events in October  wasnt going to improve the commitment we made prioir in June, if anything, October had us fussing and fighting to the point we considered stopping the trad and formal as it was eroding our marriage. The bottomline for us as a couple was to be married and happy. We had accomplished that months prior and it was important not to lose sight of that.

Thats my rant. Please remember  its not how and where you get wedded thats important, its understanding  your partner and how to live with and love that person peacefully. And nobody, not even your partner owes you a damn thing because you are getting married, not even happiness as that can only come from you.

NESTR
OAD

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9 Comments on Weddings and Marriages

  1. Lol. True talk. But some people never learn.

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  2. Insightful. I’d remark that the prevalence of putting too much priority on the wedding, engagement and other attendant celebrations stems from the ‘party-nature’ of the average Nigerian and maybe the need to outdo friends or prior weddings (societal or not).

    The fact is that we only have so much resources (time, money, self et al) and thus using it up to satisfy the wedding robs one of using those same resources to plan for the marriage. If we could find the right balance, we’d have far better marriages as against weddings.

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  3. My dear, marriage isn’t a cup of cake o. There are days I ask myself, “who send me message sef”

    And I’m married to a great guy o. Imagine if he had some severe issues, I mean the really severe ones, like emotional and physical abuse, etc.

    I just hope singles learn from this and choose wisely.

    Well done oyinda, well said

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  4. I agree 100%.
    Also purely from a practical point of view… I think it’s to do with not really knowing the value of money. As someone who has been hustling since the age of 17 and done many “dirty” jobs, I could never ever imagine spending my money anyhow because I know how long it took me to earn it. And yes, I know sometimes it’s the parents that fund these circus shows, but again I am fiercely independent and like to look after myself. So I have no choice but to cut my coat according to my size. I’d rather invest all that money in a house, or my children’s education, or even just give it away and get blessings prayed into my life.

    When I get married one day, I’d like to have only 10 guests present (both sets of parents and our siblings). I know it’s highly unlikely that, that will happen, but I’m going to keep the numbers as close to that as possible. After all, a marriage is only really between a man, his wife and their God.

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  5. Really insightful,I have always craved for an intimate ceremony but when you have parents that won’t listen to you on that then you allow them do as they please with their cash. There’s too much wahala on wedding in this country everyone wants to out do each other.

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  6. Great post.

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  7. You are very right, most people get carried away by fanfare of the wedding and forget the most important which is the marriage.

    I’m still single now, I pray God grants me wisdom to focus on what is really important when my time comes.

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  8. So true. People mix up the two. They forget after the wedding they have the main journey ahead. Probably why the rate of divorce is so high because they are interested in the parties planned and always go above their budget to make their friends envious. Pity!

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  9. True words, I want a small wedding but a great honeymoon to remember and not have a big debt to pay because of wedding.

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