Something isnt working

Happy new week to all of us. I wish you a better week than the last. And i really so hope your week is productive. Soo its like 6am, i have been awake for 3 hours, i have even woken my husband up for what reason, i really dont know.

Once again a topic i dont like to talk about much because most of them are unique. Did you guess marriage? Well if you did, then congrats you are on the same page as my brain.

When it comes to marriages, within this 1 week alone i have been the recipient of listening to borderline marriage horror stories, not violence induced but just in terms of people who have been married for less than 3 years. I have had 4 phonecalls from at least one party to these unions within the week. And sometimes i wonder why they call me, my attention span is shitty and i have my own so to speak demons. I dont have a perfect  bella naija – swoon swoon marriage. Even though i think my yellow popsicle of a husband is “very smart in his awesome freckled handsomeness”!. Sorry i got sidetracked.

Something isnt working in marriages nowadays. Or has it even always been so, but access to communication and social media make it appear more pronounced?  Or is it simply because i am in the marriage years that i am noticing? That said i will get to the point.

A lot of people especially in Nigeria have to go to counselling before they marry. So i want to ask what they teach there? Because you really have to ask if it has any impact? Should a different set of teachers say a couple married for 5 years or less be introduced into counselling as counsellors? Or ahould it be the 50 year old woman whom because she has been married for 25 years even though her husband cheated on her all through continue to counsel? I believe i have a bias towards counselling as i am not quite sure it yields dividends. As you can tell i found a way around counselling, i simply did a ikoyi registry wedding and followed it up with a destination wedding in Zanzibar complete with an Anglican priest so i still got married in front of God.

My next question is about expectations in marriage. What do people think they are getting into when they marry? After the all white aso oke and vera wang gang & loubs combo with his saville row suit and loubs, what are the expectations? Do our expectations get more realistic as we get older? Should people be over a certain age before getting married?

The one thing i kind of sort of know about marriage is that both parties can exist without each other, afterall they were without each other before they met. So one party doesnt quite need the other, but co – dependence has to be present. A healthy one at that along with a healthy dose of patience, respect and submission by both parties resulting in a cooperative spirit.

Only one of the 4 marriages involve domestic violence. And i have told the husband severally that he lacks self control and also told his wife nicely she has a leaking basket for a mouth- these 2 have separated so many times i would have millions if i was to bet on them. I have very no tolerance for domestic violence so i have opted to not take calls from either wife or husband.

Another one believes his wife watches too much love and hip hop type shows on top of her already bad attitude. Says he feels like he is married to a man and there is a power struggle and a lot of back talk etc. He provides very well for his family, claims he hasnt cheated even though they havent had sex since May last yr. They married August 2014 on a massive scale- the wedding she has always wanted and their son was born November. Part of the issue she is holding on to is chats where he said he wasnt ready and asked for an abortion. I told her if she wants to be a wreck to hold on to such chats, she will keep destroying a marriage she is to build. Husband is ready to walk, i have asked they see a therapist in America since the wife is based there and the husband goes every 2 months or so.

Third scenario – wife was breadwinner husband was trying to finish grad school. Married March 2014, Baby born August 2014, somehow in February 2015 she got pregnant. Husband said he didnt want another child yet to have an abortion. In the midst of it all, wife finds out its ectopic and on the same day she loses her job as her concentration had been scattered because of home problems. Dude moves out of the house.

Scenario four i already told you about last week.

For me several fundamentals arent in place. The desire to get married and stay married. The understanding that you are coming from 2 drastically different backgrounds and both parties have to adjust. Then that in marriage it isnt about right or wrong, its about having peace and to a large extent ending up with the marriage you create.  Maybe this is old age talking in me?  We have choices to make as to whether we have good marriages or bad ones, mediocre ones or fulfilling ones. It takes work, it takes knowing when to submit, when to literally fight for you marriage ( no reference to cheating or side  chics- in Nigeria thats what fighting for marriage means ). I mean when to sit down, tell yourself the honest truth about the situation. Everyone deserves a healthy marriage, but are we willing to work for it by understanding our partners and putting their happiness first a good portion of the time?

I by no means have a perfect marriage, but i like to think of myself as being in a good marriage. I am wrong many a times, i am a professional fighter by bbm or whats app. I dont do screaming matches i fight over chat- its a psychotic  move in opinion and i am really working on it. Lol. And i always apologise by same. However i always delete those chats because as a human being i tend to want to reference those and it does nothing good for the marriage. Things will be said in marriage, at times things will even be done- hence the preaching of patience and prayer. That all makes sense, but if self control and a determination to work at it are absent, what gives? Please share your thoughts….

NESTR
OAD

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9 Comments on Something isnt working

  1. Reading through all four scenarios you stated above,one thing is very consistent and its Tolerance. There’s no way you can be patient enough with your partner if you don’t learn to tolerate him/her. Most times when I read this stories I tend to analyze it in my head and ask just one simple question, How did they both manage each other when they were courting???
    No two marriages are the same,what works for A will definitely not work for B. Its your ship,you have both decided to sail it together then if you feel its not working again then you both should be able to sit down and discuss like adults. There’s no perfect marriage,everyone is working to achieve that. How did our parents survive?
    Youths of today have zero tolerance,zero patience. Violence and infidelity is the only reason why you shouldn’t stay in that marriage. Wish we can learn to tolerate more.
    Everyone tend to be a Counselor these days, as long as you are married then you are eligible to counsel, Mtchew that attitude freaks me out.
    Counseling in churches these days will tell you to stay even when the guy is panel besting his wife. They always shy from the truth, very few counselors will tell it to your face.
    Finally,some ladies should really stop watch does fairy tale movies of happily ever after,it ruins their perspective of what marriage is really all about,Grow up and face reality. The grass is always greener when you water it.
    #LongestCommentEver 🙂

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  2. Wow all these stories make me so pessimistic about marriage. I mean these people must have dated each other right? How comes they didn’t see the signs? I love my boyfriend, and hope to marry him one day soon, but he (as I am), is far from perfect and I sometimes get pissed off with him. Now I’m wondering if I’ll be able to survive a lifetime of us sometimes pissing each other off…now it works because we’re in the lovey dovey stage, live in 2 different countries and to be honest, he really hates me being upset so always apologises for everything at the end of each visit. But these people must have been at the same stage as us at some point. And now they seem to dislike each other! Marriage….is putting the fear of God in me.

    On a more optimistic note, I’ve been enjoying the increased blogging frequency. Thank you and have a lovely week!

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  3. I feel that marriage requires sometime to settle( for lack of a better word). My aunt will always tell ne dating and marriage are 2 very different things. As for counseling,it was a priest that was in charge when I was getting married and it didn’t seem right,cos he has never been married and so may not understand the dynamics

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  4. This marriage thing confuses me sometimes. i see some people gush about their marriages to others but from what i know about them, its far from reality. i really dont know again jare. i even have an aunt and uncle who like to do marriage counselling for africa, i have lived with them for a while and i swear if i have their kind of marriage the probability of me ending up divorced is 90%.

    i’m just tired of seeing different negative things concerning marriage. in a way it gets me worried about my future. i pray that when the time comes i get married for the right reasons and my partner and i are on the same page

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  5. From what I garnered, there is a remarkable lack of planning in all scenarios. I believe that is what the dating phase and post-engagement to pre-wedding should be about. Couples should learn to take out time to plan together what they expect of each other and what they expect of the marriage.

    Character flaws and a lack of adequate understanding of what a marriage or relationship entails is also evident. Violence in any way shouldn’t be condoned and I believe is good grounds for separation. The women with ‘running mouths’ and ‘vindictive behaviours’ need to grow past these petty things. These traits really doesn’t solve the problems on ground but more often create more problems.

    A wife’s pregnancy is as much a husband’s responsibility as the wife’s. If he never wanted her to be pregnant, he could have used a condom or ensured she was on some family planning medication before having sex with her. Understanding of mutual responsibility as against shifting responsibilities to individual party is key in the success of any marriage.

    I think the major problem with marriages today is that most couples haven’t really learnt the fundamentals/ingredients of a good and successful marriage. No amount of counselling/tutoring/mentoring would teach you this unless one really commits his or herself to learning about marriages/relationships/friendships.

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  6. one perspective on why a marriage might become problematic is because too many people are giving up wayyyyy too much just to be married.

    1. People are pretending to be someone else just to hook a guy/girl
    2. People who are being themselves are being misled by their partners that certain things can be accomodated when they truly can’t. Once wedding day reaches, for peace to rain, you have to give up things that are a big deal to you.

    I read the OC/Lala comments on BN. I was so shocked by some of the responses. Why should a good/honest/solid friendship between a male & female end because 1 party got married. Shouldn’t it be more of “more correct people to hang with- the more the merrier”?

    Babes are giving up hanging with their single/young female friends
    Guy can no longer go on trips with his boys
    babe cannot hit the club and dance the night away
    Dude can no longer play video games with his boys

    These are things that were stress releivers in the past. Now you have no more outlets because you must follow the do’s & don’ts of the marriage gods. And you know the list just continues if you follow the naija marriage gods.

    man cannot cook – abomination
    woman cannot drive when her husband in the car – taboo.
    man cannot babysit while wifey is out catching trips.

    It’s just so many rules you have to manage, even when these rules don’t work for you and your partner. I think things would be a whole lot better if each couple set their rules and damned what any and everyone had to say about it.

    I’m not trying to over simplify stuff, and I know marriage is about compromise and sacrifices. However, it should not have 1 person unwillingly sacrificing so much that they become a completely different person.

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  7. Marriage isn’t for children. Honestly the institution has become aa joke. Our values are fast eroding us.

    I have been married for 3 years now and I know it ain’t easy.

    The sad aspect is they tell you as a woman that if your marriage fails then it’s your fault. Me thinks that is fundamentally wrong.
    It takes both parties to do the needful to make their marriage work.

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  8. In HICC some sunday’s ago,the pastor said if you are not ready for your weaknesses to be revealed don’t bother getting married,I think tolerance is really key to dealing with these weaknesses, another thing is as singles we need to work on ourselves, correct the bad habits, practice sacrifice,submission cos these traits won’t magically appear once married both men and women. Anyway am still picking notes

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  9. @bee, I concur wit ya

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