Tokunbo Spouses -Second Hand Husband

Something that seems to be coming up a lot with my friends in their late 20’s and older is “Tokunbo Spouses”. Let me define a Tokunbo Spouse…someone that has been married before but chose to leave that union for whatever reason and is now remarrying again. A second time or more marriage…Tokunbo spouse is not a condemnation in this post…it was just the quickest phrase that came to mind. Not everyone in this community may be able to relate to this post (some of you have been calling me aunty- biko please I am not your aunty- OAD is just fine- the people calling me aunty should be 10 years old and under)!

So a lot of women I know on the dating scene or relationship scene who are 27 and above for the most part seem to be encountering these Tokunbo husbands or potentials very easily. Now many of these women have never been married for whatever reason and are expected to just accept that these guys that have either been married and have a bunch of kids are toasting or wanting to marry them.

I encountered one guy like this who had one child prior and was divorced and the dude kept acting like he was doing me a favour. And i kept asking myself that If i didnt plunge into just any realtionship and procreate by 30, why do I deserve such qualities in a man? I have a friend in her late 30s who keeps encountering these men who believe they are doing her a favour- but I am like they have serious baggage. The problem with baggage is that a lot of these men don’t deal with it remotrly well and you will never be a priority if the said man has 3 children from a prior situation…its even selfish to think you will be a first priority in his life.

Now someone else laid out theory to why this phenomenon of Tokunbo spouses as the greater option exists for women at a certain age…women’s pickiness when they are in their earlier years 28 or less- that inability to stop seeking perfection and after that the willingness to accept anybody. The men in their haste to create families by the time they are 30- go ahead and marry their girlfriends who they don’t necessarily have anything in common with, procreate and after a few years move along.

Now shouldn’t a 38 year old woman be entitled to a 38 year old man with no baggage?  Someone said that a 38 year old unmarried man/ woman is a flag that there has been something wrong in the person’s decision making process in the past…in that of all the people you met, not even one was worthy? What were they doing that at that age they haven’t even attempted marriage? At least they would truly have been equally yoked with a Tokunbo spouse at the 38 year old mark so to speak.

Somehow I find it a bit odd that high flying women who hit 28 and upwards are stuck with the option of being a step mum to a man with 4 kids because they want to settle down, especially when they have never been married or have no kids. For me there are several implications when you have never been married prior and enter into marriage with someone who has been married prior- playing field is extremely uneven in terms of expectations, experiences and priorities.

Please share your thoughts on the issue.

Winners Wednesday is still HERE

For the rest of the week – posts will be erratic, i am beyond drained and have to finish coordinating pynk360’s back to school drive on Sunday for 120 kids…I will bring you pictures by Monday or Tuesday next week.

Winners Wednesday will still be posted.

NESTR
OAD

7 Comments on Tokunbo Spouses -Second Hand Husband

  1. I think it’s simply desperation on the part of the ladies and the necessity to find a mother figure for his child/children on the part of the men. Whatever rocks their boat. Some of these relationship / marriages work, some don’t. Anyone who can cope with the baggage might just find that marital bliss they desire.

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  2. Wonderful read.

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  3. Interesting debate

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  4. If you think you can cope with it,by all means whatever rocks anyone’s boat but I wont put myself in such situation, some people actually think such people are more matured cos they’ve been married before but it doesn’t guarantee anything

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  5. I don’t see anything wrong in marrying someone who was previously married regardless of if you have been married before or not.

    At the end of the day, everyone deserves to be truly happy. Of course it would make sense to understand why the previous relationship ended to see if it’s something that you can accomodate.

    – I know a babe who has never been married, under 35, great career, heart of gold, but she can’t have kids. She’s looking to meet a guy who already has kids. So the guy most people will refer to as having baggage, is her ideal prince charming.

    – Loads of widows and widowers who deserve love.

    In essence, when it comes to love, categories should not matter. It should be about the character of the person. As long as both parties are open and honest, it’s all good.

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  6. First of all the reason why that person who was previously married is now single is very important. Many ladies just jump at the opportunity of “a wedding” and not being single that they can accept any situation. If you’ve to marry a man with lots of baggage, you’d better havevthe stamina required and be doing it for the right reasons and not out of desperation or greed. Personally though, I don’t have that kind of power…

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  7. Yes, Buki, ‘When it comes to love, it should be about the character of the person but when it comes to marriage, it is a lot more than just the character of the person. His/Her family circumstances matter. You would be amazed at how fast that character you love changes when the real life calls e.g when the first wife/baby mama makes herself a third wheel in your relationship.

    It’s not bad mouthing when you say that these previously hitched pple come with a whole lot of BAGGAGE and its either many women dont’ think things through or we have many conveyor belts hanging around but…. I no sabi jaere. Like Lucythia said, you better have the stamina. The allure of a beautiful wedding should not zap common sense out of people.

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